This question is deeply personal to the person asking the question, and there are no easy answers. In an ideal world, marriage is forever. There is no leaving.
Montana Winter Sunset
If a marriage has become unhealthy, there is no option to stay in it. The choice can feel as if it were taken away from you. Your life that you built may have been destroyed by abuse, adultery, or other issues that have impacted your ability to have a healthy relationship with the person you pledged to.
In this case, when deciding when to leave, ask a few questions of yourself.
-Is it safe to stay?
-What is the worst thing that would happen if I stay or leave?
-Can I live with those consequences?
-Is there reasonable evidence that the spouse is doing the work alongside you to restore the relationship?
- Are you both willing to attend support group meetings and counseling to learn new behavior patterns?
- Are you seeing healthy changes where there is mutual respect for boundaries?
- Are the children, if there are any, being considered in the decision-making process, and how does it impact them?
Next, you have to think about the practical. This seems a bit cold, but you cannot count on your spouse in separation for help with children, finances, housing, or even transportation.
In some cases, a person may expect their spouse to continue to support both households, but this is just not feasible generally. You will want to plan how you will find safety and provide for yourself. There can be times when someone will provide for children, but remember that the less you are dependent on a partner, the better when looking for distance and safety. Don’t make things worse than they are.
At times, a spouse may not be a healthy person but is still willing to work with you on the logistics. Do that. Don’t let anger take control.
- What car will you have access to?
- Do you have copies of two years of tax returns?
- Do you have a list of current bills?
- Do you have funds to supply yourself with housing?
- Birth Certificates
- Cash for gas or minor incidentals
- Phone numbers
- AAA card, car insurance cards, and registration
This is only a short list, but some things to think of when you are considering leaving. This is not a decision to make lightly. If you are not in immediate danger, take time. The past can’t change, but we can change the future as each person takes accountability for safety and learning healthy patterns of behavior.
