Do you ever lay awake and wonder if anyone would really notice if you were gone? I know, it is depressing and sometimes could be a little selfish depending on which way your thoughts were going, but in my thoughts I was wondering if I am doing anything to effect the future.
Are my relationships with people who it matters that I am around? Am I one of the people that they will read the obituary and think “Oh, I knew her once.” or will they know I am gone because the irritating influence in their life is gone?
While I hope that I have a positive influence on others, I wonder if sometimes it is more the irritating influence, where everyone breathes a sigh of relief when you leave the room.
I have learned a lot about being invisible as well in the last couple years. I found that often when something happens in your life that you are ashamed of, you tend to pull back from relationships because of people’s reactions. People pull back from you as shame is contagious. If they are friends with you, it somehow rubs off on them. I started going to a church where I can be as invisible as I want. You see, I do not speak the language that the service is held in. I can sit and just focus on God in church, I journal about the sermon, I pray, I sing, I concentrate and translate the sermons in my head. I am not accepted to many others in the church as I am not the same nationality and they smile, but I am not the same as them, and it scares them a bit. I am okay with that, but it is a little lonely sometimes. I do have a couple of good friends there too, which makes it better!
But my point is, it is easy to go through life being invisible. We judge others by their shame, we pull back as it is the easier thing to do. We think of ourselves and what will make us happy as well as safe. It is not always safe to put ourselves out there, in the same room with someone who is that person that seems to irritate you. Sometimes though, these people can be the ones who need you the most.
“Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.” Matthew 25:45, KJV.
For me, I find this verse means the people that find themselves invisible, that are the ones that we don’t always enjoy being around are the ones that need us. They may not appreciate it. They may even get mad at you. You may be besmirched by your association with them.
I know with my life, I have many struggles. I struggle with staying patient with my children, especially at bedtime. I struggle with eating the way I should, and have trouble with body image. I wish that my husband did not have the mental health issues that he has. But most of all, I wish that my relationships with God and with others could be improved. I feel like such failure sometimes when it comes to that.
I find though that honesty is the best policy, when loneliness hits strong and hard, and you wonder why it seems like you are doing, doing, doing, and yet seem to be alone all the time, have you stopped to think about who you are doing it for?
I guess I don’t care if people look at my obituary and can’t remember how they knew me. I hope they look at it and think maybe that I was an imperfect person, who tried the best I could to show the Love of God in their lives.
The way you see yourself, is not how I see you.
I see you as a gentle person.
I see you as a quiet person, who when you speak, I want to listen because it usually is worth listening to.
I think we all wish for things, but if we can come back to the center and realize what really matters, it’s ok.
And you are not annoying. Seriously.
Martha, I actually wept reading this. You have certainly showed the love of God in my life. I feel so blessed to “know” you (even if it’s only via the net), and I feel so honored to count you as friend. You are one of the treasures in my life. If we never meet on this side of heaven, dear sister, I will be so excited to meet you in heaven and worship our Lord together in eternity. Thanks for all the words of truth and encouragement you have given me over the past 9 years.
Very convicting thoughts. Thank you for posting this.
FYI – baby arrived and all is well!!
http://creativemadnessmama.com/blog/2011/08/26/had-a-baby/
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I struggle so much with this. I tend to swing from anxiety to depression. My reaction is usually to withdraw.
I am so grateful that God is a God of comfort. He knows what it is like to be rejected by men, to be abandoned by those he most loved, to watch others struggle with illness and death. Yet, through the death of Christ he conqured all of these things. Often, in my darkest hours, I feel that God is using them to give me eternal hope. To remember where my true home lies.
((hugs)) friend.
Monica
Great thoughts Martha! Thank you for sharing. I am certainly glad you are a blessing in my life!
((((hugs)))) It is good to reflect on thoughts like these at times. Sometimes, or often we may not even realize how much other appriecate us, even in our quietness.
I know I’m a very quiet person and I often feel so alone…. We all struggle….
On another note, I was dreaming about you the other night and my dh and I had such a lovely with with you and Fred. :)
Martha, what a challenging post. I have often felt invisible. I hope I’m not.